Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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