i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
