I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pants are for mortals
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
