Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
