they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
