just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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