im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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