The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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