Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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