Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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