I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
