I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
