I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
