Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
