im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.