Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.