Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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