Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
