There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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