They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
