It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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