I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
