My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
