Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
