So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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