The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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