My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
