Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
