nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's always time for handjobs
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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