As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
