Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
