things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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