I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
