The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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