Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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