a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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