Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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