im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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