his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
