I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
