Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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