the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Houston, we have a squirter
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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