Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
