Yo dont text me then not text me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
