Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's official drugs can't kill me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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