No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
