In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Will exercising make me less horny?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
