Don't make out with my wife yet
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
