Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
