cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
