why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
