anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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