I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
