God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
