We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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