My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
