i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
