Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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