i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
