Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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