we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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